Today is my birthday. I took an entire week off to celebrate; to have a few adventures around the city. I woke up early one morning to take on the sun with the freedom of knowing that I don't have any place to be. Communed with the Lord to stabilize me on this momentous milestone that He's brought me to. I took myself to paint a ceramic cup surrounded by an army of kids. And took a stroll uptown because I never have time to otherwise.
Thirty has never been a decade where I'd dedicated any time to planning or having daydreams about who and where I would be when it happened. Twenty was maturation and bits of mania that drove me to want to know more than everyone else, to make my indelible mark on the world. To show everyone I know, namely my parents, that I could stand on my own two feet. I fumbled a bit. And then somehow the things that I'd been so worried about fell into place by God's grace. Some things, that is. My Twenties, however, were also governed by a great deal of hesitance and tunnel vision. I am light years away from who I was ten years ago. But on the other hand, I had this doctored image of a future planned for my life with harsh edged certainties cemented to this decade. And when my life didn't become the thing I expected, I spent a lot of my time lost, looking up to God, wondering if I'd heard Him wrong about my entire life and where I was going.
I've asked other thirty-somethings how they feel about their transition, and what I find amazing is that most of them revel in a certain freedom that hadn't felt accessible before. This is how I've defined this new era in my life governed by doing instead of trying. I want to relinquish all half-hearted bashful verbs that giveaway insecurity. I want to stop using living for Jesus as an excuse to stay away from life, and instead, take His hand, and allow me to fully trust Him through unsteady, unpredictable situations. I want the knowledge that I am flawless to sink into my skin like the finest cream moisture. Not a shallow, arrogant flawless, but an acknowledgement that in my imperfections, I'm covered in God's love and Grace, and Wisdom, and for once I am free. I won't spend my time fretting over saying the right things, or making the right impressions, just in being present. Placing the best parts of myself on display, and choosing kindness when these uncomely sides shine through because thus is the beauty of living in our world.
To live confidently. To live healthily. To rest in the Lord and in the place He has led me to. To shed all things that are not necessities at their core. To be tidy instead of drawing a warped rush from chaos. To stop bloody...APOLOGIZING. Maybe I'll fast some, and learn the crystal language of silence. Maybe I'll take up a completely random skill that brings me into serendipitous contact with people I'd never meet otherwise. But one thing that's sure...I won't carry the bumbling insecurities of my Twenties into another decade because I owe it to myself to let myself enjoy the ride.